Thoughts of a Sprite

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Questions Lots of em

Life is not a spectator sport.

Why can I not accept things the way they are? Why must I constantly push myself? I wish I could be one of those people who could just take life as it comes. Why must I sweat every little thing?

More questions... Why do I feel so utterly alone? Not that I do not have friends, but just that no one fully understands? Why do I always question everything, I can never just take it at face value. I have to touch it, analyze it, think it over. Can't I just be care free?

Why am I still in school? I am 25, single, and no where near starting my own family. Does this make me a failure? Why does my past haunt me, why can I not just let it go?

Good things about me: I always push myself to do my best. Though, I do question things that have happened, I try not dwell on them. Life deals adversity, and I can take it. I am inquisitive, and sometimes this is good.

I just seem to have hit a time in my life, where I feel there should be more. I question who I have become, and where I am going, and if I will ever get there! I do not wish to be stuck working in Williston the rest of my life. I do not want to be alone any more, I wish I could open up, and share my life, and love with someone special. I am so very Jaded, that even when there is nothing detrimentally wrong with the relationship, I find a reason to bale. It is a defense mechanism that I wish I could turn off, I know that I am doing it when it happens, but I cannot stop.

More questions

Why do I feel as if I am standing amidst a room full of people, screaming at the top of my lungs yet no one can here me, or if they can hear me that they ignore me? Why do I feel like I am writing this in vain? Will anyone even read it, and if they do will they care? Does anyone else ever feel this way?

I think I am burnt out. With the back issue, and work nonstop, and school stress, I think I have just burned the candle on both ends, and have no more wick to burn. Am I having a midlife crisis at 25? I am not even supposed to have reached my sexual peak yet people, how can this be a midlife crisis?

Did you know that I have used 15 question marks so far this post? (16)

A poem that I wrote earlier today:

“But a Shadow”

Depths beyond imagination
Found within thine eyes
Oceans, vast and turbulent
Emotion in its truest form

Anguish is not masked
By smiles forced to shine
Pain cannot be hidden
This façade is but a believable lie

At night, I hear you stir
Dreams must haunt thy sleep
Peace has once again escaped
Even in the darkness you cannot hide

The silence is so deafening
In the still of this warm night
Memories unspoken
Find their way into your mind

A sudden flash of movement
as you wake with unheard screams
I try to comfort you as always
But I am just a shadow in the darkness
One that you have pushed aside

A ghost I have become,
Just like your memories
Thine eyes now all but gray
as the last of hope within you dies

If you know me, you know that there is no one who sleeps beside me. It was just easier to write about as if it were someone else.

I still have not smoked. Took me a good 90 days to get totally over last time, so I only have 79 to go... I am such a dork sometimes. I am going to study the Krebs Cycle when I get home from work today.... Fun, fun.

Quote for the day:

For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

-Lily Tomlin

Current mood: curious

Well that is about it folks, I am all talked out. (imagine that...)

shes_a_sprite @ 3:57 PM.

1 comments

Oprayearth said...

Well I cannot tell you much but that I do understand how you feel in some instances that you have written of and that everything at the end of it all will fall into place. I know that sounds cliche but eventually everything does fall into place bad or good. Time is the enemy in which events occur.Everything you know is everything you don't know. The unknown is a presence to give concern to for its always everything you've ever wanted.

TAKE CARE.

6:19 PM